Burger Dreams

And after I eat my turkey bacon, I will need a nap in my burger bed.

credit

Turkey Bacon

I wouldn't complain if someone tossed me some turkey bacon, even if it isn't as good as the real thing. But here is turkey bacon I can certainly endorse.

Thanksgiving Dreams

Thanksgiving is a great holiday. A roast bird and family. What more could a little brown dog ask for? How about an invitation!

I spent the day sleeping at home. The pack came home smelling of poultry and young cats. I suppose it would have been a lot to ask of me to not chase Grandma and Grandpa's new cats. But it would have been a awesome calorie burner.

Since I didn't get to join this day of eating, I spent some time dreaming. There are some great ideas out there, in case you want to give me a Christmas present.

Meat gadgets: No one would ever really wonder want happened to the remote if it was made of meat.   credit

Take me to the Meatloaf Bakery in Chicago. I will have The Mother Loaf ®, please. credit

It has been made perfectly clear that I am not allowed in the furniture. But how about if I eat it?  credit

Shall I fetch your shoes for you?       credit

A dog can dream...       credit

But back to Thanksgiving... Here are five things I am thankful for:

1. My family - even if they only feed me one cup of dry dog food each day.
2. Walkies - even if often there are only three.
3. Clawless cats - even if they stare at me without blinking.
4. Peanut butter - even if it only comes in jars that don't fit my head.
5. Squirrels - even if they mostly don't fall out of trees.

I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Carmella

Global Warming

Gather round this lovely fire pit and tell spooky global warming tales to the kids.

The Third Rock Fire Pit can be yours for just under $1500.

It would also be a perfect way to roast hotdogs at the Sherwin Williams Paint employee picnic.

I think I prefer it without the fire...

Yodel-Crushing Use of a Shaver

It's a Miracle!

Dilution and misapplication of language is something that makes me growl and really bugs my blog pal Daughter Number Three. So this one is for her.

"If you change your perspective on what a miracle is,
you'll notice they're all around you"

I believe it is generally agreed that a miracle is an event attributed to divine intervention. If nothing else, a miracle should be attributed to an event that is statistically rare. Like a cat surviving a 20 story fall from a window (I did not push that cat!).

But now I learn from this ad that those definitions of miracle are for close-minded traditionalists. Apparently, we all just need to change our perspective. Then a miracle can be about anything we choose...even the treatment of wrinkles.

That is totally AWESOME!

I wonder how this wrinkle juice would work on these fellas?

AT-AT Dog

I didn't manage to post a Halloween howdy this year. I was too busy barking at those pesky trick-or-treaters. They just kept coming! In the end, I was a good dog and I drove them all away. It took me a few days to recover. 

Here is my pick for best costume. I don't really approve of dressing up fellow canines, of course. But I do enjoy seeing Dave laugh so hard wine comes out his nose. And a good Star Wars reference always pleases Boy#1 and Boy#2. Like the Tauntaun Sleeping Bag, this AT-AT costume for an Italian greyhound is just about perfect.

AT-AT dog by Katie Mello

I am sure Katie's dog Bones got plenty of treats for putting up with her artistic endeavor - so don't bother commenting that he looks stressed. Greyhounds always look like that.

You wanna see stressed? The temperature is dropping and I know that my stoopid winter coat is lurking somewhere.

dog clothes are stoopid

Be Sure to Wear Shorts

I ran across this ad awhile back and have been enjoying it ever since. Be sure you click on it to fully enjoy the art work and the heavy-handed imagery.

I appreciate the helpful reminder to us all about what a family looks like (but where's the dog?). I see they have wisely ditched their station wagon (and their .5 child... or maybe that is .5 on the right) in recognition of the perils of global warming.

click on image to enlarge

I am glad that all kinds of folks are thinking about the havoc reaped by human civilization. The more people thinking about solving global warming, the better. I mean that sincerely.

However, I am thinking these folks are planning on skipping this step to go straight to heaven. I am pretty sure my family won't qualify. So I think it is better to work on saving this world.

I love this part: "YOU ARE WARMLY INVITED TO COME AND LISTEN TO THE ANSWER" Get it? Warmly invited to come hear about global warming. Heh.

ThinkGeek Gems

Everyone around here loves reading catalogs of useless consumerism. Whether in flight contemplating a hot dog toaster, bathing in the syrup of adjectives in a Coldwater Creek catalog, or drooling over flavor descriptions of Meatwater (that would be me), my family enjoys snorting and barking at the worlds of useless products  - all the while beating back uncomfortable nigglings of awe and secret desires.

ThinkGeek is the perfect place to find useless products for every occasion. Their products are fun, their product descriptions hilarious and their tagline "Stuff for Smart Masses" is perfect. Smart masses. That's me... wait a minute!

On this lazy Sunday morning, Boy#1 found these gems of must-have items.

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

Some of the best features of this cozy bag:
   - Classic Star Wars sleeping bag simulates the warmth of a Tauntaun carcass
   - Built-in embroidered Tauntaun head pillow
   - Plush Lightsaber zipper pull
   - Printed intestines pattern on inside of bag
   - Great for playing pretend "Save Luke from the Wampa" games
   - For indoor use only. Not suitable for camping. 

Can't think what to get your best frenemy? How about an alien facehugger plush?

Alien Facehugger Plush

Thanks to the thoughtfulness of Susan's sister, we actually own ThinkGeek's Star Trek Enterprise Pizza Cutter. It is very sharp and performs its mundane raison d’être just fine. Susan says it is wasted in the handsome storage box and plans to hang it from the pot rack.

Star Trek Enterprise Pizza Cutter

There are some misfires. This product is not amusing to me at all.  

Cat Tank Commando Play House

But this last product could really help me document just what silly and pointless products our two cats really are...

Pet's Eye View Digital Camera

But I think that is already pretty obvious.

Dew NOT Claws

When my Susan was a kid, back before the days of ubiquitous Internet images, she came across a black and white photo of the Guinness record holder of longest fingernails. That cringe-worthy image snagged itself in her mind as the perfect example of "just because you can, doesn't mean you should." Yet the little picture of the man with meandering nails hanging to his feet also seemed exotic and mysterious. A peek inside a dimly lit sideshow tent.

Back then, there was a sense that the man with the long nails had been discovered. Now it is clear having the longest nails is a commercial pursuit of fame. Record holders are displayed in countless full color photos, covering every angle. Let's face it, the mystery is mostly gone. But I think we all still wonder when we see oddball people. We are perplexed by people who choose to hamper their lives for a questionable sliver of record holder. Life is hard enough with trimmed claws. What possesses people to choose a disability like this? How did they start down such a path?

The new female longest fingernail record holder is also a Vegas singer.

Mostly, my claws get worn down form everyday life. I walk about 3-5 miles a day on pavement and rip around the dog park whenever I can. So it is usually just those pesky dew claws that grow too long and get in the way. As much as I hate Susan snipping at my claws, it is always a relief to get them out of the way so I can get back to running, digging, scratching and other daily dog activities.

How do people of long fingernails take care of everyday life? How do they eat, dress, go potty or drive a car? How have these nails not broken? Human fingernails are pretty fragile compared to dog claws and mine chip away all the time. Maybe there is superglue involved. But that would hardly be fair.

It is rare for dogs to have rear dew claws. But I do.

I wonder if these people started growing their claws because, like me, they loathed getting them trimmed. It is all I can do to concentrate on my peanut butter bribe when I see the claw trimmer come out. It should be noted that I have more claws than the average pup - having rare rear dew claws - so there is even more claw trimming for me to hate.

The male longest fingernail record holder
and the former female longest fingernail record holder
(who eventually lost her nails in a car crash
after growing them for 30 years).

For Susan, questions are overshadowed by the gag factor. She says curling, yellowed fingernails are just plain nasty. I am not so judgemental...I am thinking these folks could deliver a heck of a back scratch.

Goodnight Balloon?

Westin Hotels & Resorts suggest sleeping on a bed of balloons would be a restful, dreamy experience. The above ad is for their Heavenly® Bed which is engineered for a "good night's sleep" which will "reduce stress." Beautiful, sleeping woman demonstrates how this is supposed to look.

When I look at this picture, I hold my breath and pray she doesn't move. If she does, she will fall through the balloons and smother to death. Or they will POP! 

I know this about balloons. I had a very bad experience playing with a birthday balloon some years back. Now I know - balloons are NOT stress-reducers. When I see balloons, I know it is best to slink away and hide on another level of the house. 

I sure wouldn't sleep in Westin's Hellish® Bed - not for all the dog biscuits at Petco®.

Hellhound!

Puli Rug

Here is a lovely rug for Puli lovers.

Like the Shar Pei Chair, this is a delightful intersection of design and essence of dog.  

I am not sure how one would vacuum this rug - but who cares about such nonsense? I can't decide if that is accent pillow on the righthand chair or a lap dog. I haven't the faintest idea what those white things on the table are. Hopefully coconut puffs.

Pulis are Hungarian herding and livestock guarding dogs with corded, virtually waterproof coats.

Puli in action. 

Shar Pei Chair

I came across this divine chair in Sunday's paper.

Grinza armchair by Campana Brothers for Edra

I am sure these Campana Brothers had Shar Peis in mind when they thought up this design.

Shar Pei puppies                                              credit

Shar Peis are fighting dogs. They have all that wrinkly skin so they can wriggle out of their opponents' jaws. I'm not really sure why a chair would need this feature. But if I was a Shar Pei and my family bought this chair, they would NEVER SEE ME when I snuck up to take a nap! 

However, I am not sure I could stand listening to them looking for lost remotes...

MeatWater

Naturally, when I came across this bit of news about MeatWater, I was very excited. What a delightful idea!

Imagine my consternation, followed by bark-out-loud delight, when I discovered MeatWater is all an elaborate hoax. With its slick graphic design, self-confident marketing message and strong web presence, MeatWater (dinnerinabottle.com) is pretty convincing as a new product for our ridiculous consumer society. The MeatWater illusion is powered and perpetuated by insidious social media advertising and famous folks who seemingly believe - like Chuck Shepard and Jay Leno.

Every detail of MeatWater's presence is tended to with scathing precision. From tag lines, to ingredient lists, to Twitter feeds, I found myself peering at the products, wanting to believe.

Who wouldn't want Fish & Chips in her water dish? 
Even though it comes "Now with extra high Mercury count." 

I wouldn't say no to a liquid Dirty Hot Dog, though the "steroid relish" gives me pause. And I am not really liking the warning "Caution, bottle may contain 3% urine." Is that really what it says?

Check out Foodbeast.com's exploration of the MeatWater phenomenon including promotional videos and an amusing interview with MeatWater founder Krautkrämer. 

I then followed my nose into the world of product displacement - "the removing of trademarked products from primarily visual media." Sometimes the need of TV shows of movies for products - but not pesky real products -  leads to the creation of fictionalized products -- some of which become so popular they become de-fictionalized (made into real products). And so the dog chases her tail.

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man wreaked paranormal havoc
in New York City in the 1984 movie Ghostbusters.

Made famous by Ghostbusters! Caffeine replaces paranormal power as the key energy ingredient.

But MeatWater takes it all to a level of performance art that I find sublime. I love that Jay Leno and Chuck Shepard think they are cleverly riffing on a dumb product. Their people clearly didn't look very deeply at their sources  (AOL, Chuck - really? They certainly swallowed MeatWater hook, line and sinker). How easy it is, in these web-wonderful days, to join the yapping pack without pausing to consider if it is even a real squirrel up in the tree. 

VOID for a water product is simply sublime. I love potty humor.

As you may know, I am a great appreciator satire. I am proud to say that my Art Hound contributions are occasionally mistaken as real works of the Masters...if only for a fleeting, online moment. I love the something-for-everyone layers of MeatWater which offsets my disappointment that Cheese Burger or Venison Confit water won't be hitting my dog bowl any time soon. Then again, maybe it will. 

Let the de-fictionalization begin!

Tug-of-War

When I saw this article about a baby-proof, easy-grasp case for your iPhone, I gave a loud snort. 

I heartily agree you can't fool babies with imitations and distractors. Baby wants that iPhone because it is a coveted possession - perhaps cradled and given as much care as Baby himself. What Mommy cherishes and protects must be awesome -- so I WANT IT! 

Back in the olden days when my Susan had babies (long before iPhones, shortly after the invention of electricity), the coveted item was Mommy's Keys. There was no way sensible Susan was going to hand over her keys - she has enough trouble tracking them. But she quickly realized that her baby Boy#1 wasn't fooled by plastic toy car keys. And really, who would be tricked?  Baby keys look nothing like real car keys.  

So she gave Baby#1 a set of real keys -- old keys long since separated from their locks but offering nonetheless  a satisfying jangle and tang of metal. It took Baby#1 about three minutes to realize These are Not the Keys I Want. Of course, if my Susan had carried around the plastic baby keys, nestled them safely in her Forbidden Handbag and set them high out of Baby's reach, they would have transformed in a wondrous Gimme Item.

Puppies are no different from human babies. The Stick They Want is simply the stick the other dog possesses. Getting the stick isn't about the stick. And if the other dog simply gives them the stick and or loses interest in it, that stick is no longer worthy. 

Tug-of-war is about winning. The rope is just a rope.

Possession is most fun when achieved through speed, strength or good old cunning. But if a puppy's current skill set is no match for a stronger, faster, bigger, smarter dog, then it never hurts to roll out the big guns of begging and whining. If that works, Puppy will make begging and whining the go-to tools and voilá - a whiny dog is born!

Of course, a Top Dog can keep the stick with a mere stare. Every sensible dog knows the difference between a game of tug-of-war and No, Don't Even THINK About It.

What elicited my loud snort this morning was the lengths that parents will go through to avoid being Top Dog. Why not just say no? Susan assures me there are other factors at play here - and that I have never had puppies so I should not preach about parenting. But would you give Baby a Sharpie marker? (How could you deny her right to express herself?) How about a lighter? (Pretty lights!) Some coffee - cooled, of course? (Yummy for Mommy, Baby wants some too!)

It must be said that babies don't need to poke at $600 iPhones. 

And no, having some private, on-screen, giggle-trading with Grandma  is not really a relationship builder when one of the conversationalists is mostly intent on poking random buttons and banging the phone on the carseat. Most likely the Face Time Grandma is going to get is some up-close and virtual Slobber Tongue Time with Baby. 

And for the 36 month old "baby", basic phone etiquette (don't lick or hurl the phone) has presumably been taught. What parent of a preschooler would take the time to snap their phone in a bulky, baby-proof case for a chat with Grandpa? They probably lost that $15 iPhone case two years ago...

Don't even get me started on babies learning with interactive software. Babies are better off chewing on sticks.

Or tearing paper with non-virtual Daddy.

Jowl-Watering Dog Food

This ad caught my eye for its offer of all-natural, jowl-watering dog food. It is also confusing because I have been told in no uncertain terms that I should NOT eat cats -- even little kitten morsels. Yet, as Woody's Pet Food Deli says, pet health begins with real food.   

I can feel Susan giving me that look. The one that tell me to go to my dog bed. I'd better hit "publish post" and go find a chew toy. 

I must not eat cats. 

I must not eat cats. 

I must not eat cats.

Live the Moment

This Sunday morning, we were surprised to find the New York Times on our doorstep rather than our usual Star Tribune. Although Boy#1 was perturbed that his  favorite comics were not available, we expect the household who received our local paper was even more put out.

We came across this ad. What the heck is going on here?

At first we thought it was an ad for medieval torture devices. And certainly the young lady was meant to be a play on Iron Maiden. 

Susan said she couldn't get the image of a tea bag out of her head.

Further research revealed that One&Only are swishy resorts for "entertaining the world's elite." 

Huh. 

So, is the gal in the basket one of the world's elite? If so, what sort of entertainment is this? Relax with a bamboo  grid riding up your naked bum while others watch? She certainly looks startled and perturbed that we are looking at her. Hmm...

Maybe I have it backwards. The packaged female IS the entertainment for the world's elite. The young lady is a nice goody basket dropped on the beach for a guest's mid afternoon fun. 

Fantasy Island, anyone?

"Hey, Boss, cabana six ordered the Special Goody Basket AGAIN."

I just don't know...

One thing is certain, One&Only marketing folks clearly like this image. It also appears on their website. 

What's up with that tagline?

One&Only in a nutshell.

Live the moment.

What is the moment? The moment when some paparazzi snapped his million dollar photo? Or some journalist tracks down a story about the sex trade?

Although the nutshell thing does work rather well visually. Naked, folded flesh in a basket. Walnut meats nestled in their split shell.

Boy#1 points out that the only point of any ad is to rivet our attention and make you remember the product. This one certainly worked like a charm in my household. I now know what One&Only resorts are... and I know that none of mine will ever go to one.

I, for one, can find that kind of fun right here at home.

Live the moment.