Be Sure to Wear Shorts

I ran across this ad awhile back and have been enjoying it ever since. Be sure you click on it to fully enjoy the art work and the heavy-handed imagery.

I appreciate the helpful reminder to us all about what a family looks like (but where's the dog?). I see they have wisely ditched their station wagon (and their .5 child... or maybe that is .5 on the right) in recognition of the perils of global warming.

click on image to enlarge

I am glad that all kinds of folks are thinking about the havoc reaped by human civilization. The more people thinking about solving global warming, the better. I mean that sincerely.

However, I am thinking these folks are planning on skipping this step to go straight to heaven. I am pretty sure my family won't qualify. So I think it is better to work on saving this world.

I love this part: "YOU ARE WARMLY INVITED TO COME AND LISTEN TO THE ANSWER" Get it? Warmly invited to come hear about global warming. Heh.

Sign of Excellence

Here is a sensibly named business. Susan encountered this intelligent beagle logo for a computer repair store in Ann Arbor.

beagle brain - fast, affordable computer repair

ThinkGeek Gems

Everyone around here loves reading catalogs of useless consumerism. Whether in flight contemplating a hot dog toaster, bathing in the syrup of adjectives in a Coldwater Creek catalog, or drooling over flavor descriptions of Meatwater (that would be me), my family enjoys snorting and barking at the worlds of useless products  - all the while beating back uncomfortable nigglings of awe and secret desires.

ThinkGeek is the perfect place to find useless products for every occasion. Their products are fun, their product descriptions hilarious and their tagline "Stuff for Smart Masses" is perfect. Smart masses. That's me... wait a minute!

On this lazy Sunday morning, Boy#1 found these gems of must-have items.

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

Some of the best features of this cozy bag:
   - Classic Star Wars sleeping bag simulates the warmth of a Tauntaun carcass
   - Built-in embroidered Tauntaun head pillow
   - Plush Lightsaber zipper pull
   - Printed intestines pattern on inside of bag
   - Great for playing pretend "Save Luke from the Wampa" games
   - For indoor use only. Not suitable for camping. 

Can't think what to get your best frenemy? How about an alien facehugger plush?

Alien Facehugger Plush

Thanks to the thoughtfulness of Susan's sister, we actually own ThinkGeek's Star Trek Enterprise Pizza Cutter. It is very sharp and performs its mundane raison d’être just fine. Susan says it is wasted in the handsome storage box and plans to hang it from the pot rack.

Star Trek Enterprise Pizza Cutter

There are some misfires. This product is not amusing to me at all.  

Cat Tank Commando Play House

But this last product could really help me document just what silly and pointless products our two cats really are...

Pet's Eye View Digital Camera

But I think that is already pretty obvious.

To Catch a Mouse

We have a mouse in our house.

I hate to break it to Susan...but I doubt mice come as singles.

This mouse is massive and slow. The floor shakes when it ambles by. Susan thought it was one of the cats when it first crossed her bedroom floor.

Seriously though, we have two residing cats in our house. We have mice. Ah, such irony! Prrrrr....

The cats have been on patrol for weeks now.

Sophie and Stuart on mouse patrol

They seem to be practicing a catch and release program. Dave said Stuart is like a cat version of Chauncey Gardiner from Being There.

Chauncey Gardiner

Stuart Mouser

OK, I understand they have no claws and have lived most of their hours indoors. But surely they could stop spitting the darn thing out every time they catch it. All that gives us is a wet mouse.

I know, I know...I am a top predator myself. And thank you, yes, I am an expert at rodent patrol. But someone would have to unlatch my crate door at night if they want to see how it is supposed to be done. All I can really do is lay there and watch the debacle, night after night.

The family has given up on the Non-Dynamic Duo. They got a real tomcat - a TOMCAT MOUSE TRAP. It has already caught one mouse. (Don't worry, it is a live trap. Dave let the hapless mouse go near the neighbors' who feed the squirrels. He figured there would be plenty of food there while the mouse made its own transition to life in the real world.)

TOMCAT MOUSE TRAP

Notice the difference between the new tomcat and our non-cats.

Tomcat

Non-Cats

Not that I would EVER want a vicious tomcat living with me. I prefer the Dopey Duo over anything with claws. Nice kitties.

Dew NOT Claws

When my Susan was a kid, back before the days of ubiquitous Internet images, she came across a black and white photo of the Guinness record holder of longest fingernails. That cringe-worthy image snagged itself in her mind as the perfect example of "just because you can, doesn't mean you should." Yet the little picture of the man with meandering nails hanging to his feet also seemed exotic and mysterious. A peek inside a dimly lit sideshow tent.

Back then, there was a sense that the man with the long nails had been discovered. Now it is clear having the longest nails is a commercial pursuit of fame. Record holders are displayed in countless full color photos, covering every angle. Let's face it, the mystery is mostly gone. But I think we all still wonder when we see oddball people. We are perplexed by people who choose to hamper their lives for a questionable sliver of record holder. Life is hard enough with trimmed claws. What possesses people to choose a disability like this? How did they start down such a path?

The new female longest fingernail record holder is also a Vegas singer.

Mostly, my claws get worn down form everyday life. I walk about 3-5 miles a day on pavement and rip around the dog park whenever I can. So it is usually just those pesky dew claws that grow too long and get in the way. As much as I hate Susan snipping at my claws, it is always a relief to get them out of the way so I can get back to running, digging, scratching and other daily dog activities.

How do people of long fingernails take care of everyday life? How do they eat, dress, go potty or drive a car? How have these nails not broken? Human fingernails are pretty fragile compared to dog claws and mine chip away all the time. Maybe there is superglue involved. But that would hardly be fair.

It is rare for dogs to have rear dew claws. But I do.

I wonder if these people started growing their claws because, like me, they loathed getting them trimmed. It is all I can do to concentrate on my peanut butter bribe when I see the claw trimmer come out. It should be noted that I have more claws than the average pup - having rare rear dew claws - so there is even more claw trimming for me to hate.

The male longest fingernail record holder
and the former female longest fingernail record holder
(who eventually lost her nails in a car crash
after growing them for 30 years).

For Susan, questions are overshadowed by the gag factor. She says curling, yellowed fingernails are just plain nasty. I am not so judgemental...I am thinking these folks could deliver a heck of a back scratch.

Goodnight Balloon?

Westin Hotels & Resorts suggest sleeping on a bed of balloons would be a restful, dreamy experience. The above ad is for their Heavenly® Bed which is engineered for a "good night's sleep" which will "reduce stress." Beautiful, sleeping woman demonstrates how this is supposed to look.

When I look at this picture, I hold my breath and pray she doesn't move. If she does, she will fall through the balloons and smother to death. Or they will POP! 

I know this about balloons. I had a very bad experience playing with a birthday balloon some years back. Now I know - balloons are NOT stress-reducers. When I see balloons, I know it is best to slink away and hide on another level of the house. 

I sure wouldn't sleep in Westin's Hellish® Bed - not for all the dog biscuits at Petco®.

Hellhound!