Sign of Excellence

Here is a sensibly named business. Susan encountered this intelligent beagle logo for a computer repair store in Ann Arbor.

beagle brain - fast, affordable computer repair

Tug-of-War

When I saw this article about a baby-proof, easy-grasp case for your iPhone, I gave a loud snort. 

I heartily agree you can't fool babies with imitations and distractors. Baby wants that iPhone because it is a coveted possession - perhaps cradled and given as much care as Baby himself. What Mommy cherishes and protects must be awesome -- so I WANT IT! 

Back in the olden days when my Susan had babies (long before iPhones, shortly after the invention of electricity), the coveted item was Mommy's Keys. There was no way sensible Susan was going to hand over her keys - she has enough trouble tracking them. But she quickly realized that her baby Boy#1 wasn't fooled by plastic toy car keys. And really, who would be tricked?  Baby keys look nothing like real car keys.  

So she gave Baby#1 a set of real keys -- old keys long since separated from their locks but offering nonetheless  a satisfying jangle and tang of metal. It took Baby#1 about three minutes to realize These are Not the Keys I Want. Of course, if my Susan had carried around the plastic baby keys, nestled them safely in her Forbidden Handbag and set them high out of Baby's reach, they would have transformed in a wondrous Gimme Item.

Puppies are no different from human babies. The Stick They Want is simply the stick the other dog possesses. Getting the stick isn't about the stick. And if the other dog simply gives them the stick and or loses interest in it, that stick is no longer worthy. 

Tug-of-war is about winning. The rope is just a rope.

Possession is most fun when achieved through speed, strength or good old cunning. But if a puppy's current skill set is no match for a stronger, faster, bigger, smarter dog, then it never hurts to roll out the big guns of begging and whining. If that works, Puppy will make begging and whining the go-to tools and voilá - a whiny dog is born!

Of course, a Top Dog can keep the stick with a mere stare. Every sensible dog knows the difference between a game of tug-of-war and No, Don't Even THINK About It.

What elicited my loud snort this morning was the lengths that parents will go through to avoid being Top Dog. Why not just say no? Susan assures me there are other factors at play here - and that I have never had puppies so I should not preach about parenting. But would you give Baby a Sharpie marker? (How could you deny her right to express herself?) How about a lighter? (Pretty lights!) Some coffee - cooled, of course? (Yummy for Mommy, Baby wants some too!)

It must be said that babies don't need to poke at $600 iPhones. 

And no, having some private, on-screen, giggle-trading with Grandma  is not really a relationship builder when one of the conversationalists is mostly intent on poking random buttons and banging the phone on the carseat. Most likely the Face Time Grandma is going to get is some up-close and virtual Slobber Tongue Time with Baby. 

And for the 36 month old "baby", basic phone etiquette (don't lick or hurl the phone) has presumably been taught. What parent of a preschooler would take the time to snap their phone in a bulky, baby-proof case for a chat with Grandpa? They probably lost that $15 iPhone case two years ago...

Don't even get me started on babies learning with interactive software. Babies are better off chewing on sticks.

Or tearing paper with non-virtual Daddy.

Is it bad having a little asphalt in your ears?

Google search terms that lead folks to A Little Brown Blog continue to amuse and sometimes perplex me. As I posted previously last March the information people are searching for is sometimes bark out loud funny - even if the humor is really only about missing punctuation (never trust a man who doesn't hunt teddy roosevelt). 

Here are some new highlights:

alittlebrownblog.bloodspot.com
androgynous rower in a red shirt, possibly meant to be a woman in man's clothing
blog + awesome + mystery
chinese movie where there's a giant flying cat
crazy susan's chocolate chip cookie recipe
dacshund walking speed
decorating with prairie dogs
do dogs sense the presence of departed owners?
dog park fungus
is it bad having a little asphalt in your ears
mom said to put these panties on
monkey dogs banana bacon
never trust a man who doesn't hunt teddy roosevelt
what product dissolves dog poop
what's wrong with carmella
why people have poodle phobia

Amazon's Aunt Mildred Eco Tool

Amazon has just patented a new system for gift returns that allows gifts to be returned before they are even sent - poor Aunt Mildred. They say 30% of all gifts are returned and I know I am not the only pup who hates waiting in the car while my people stand in line at the post office. Not that we have an Aunt Mildred in our family, of course!

Soon people will be able to flag "high risk givers" like Aunt Mildred. Amazon will send an email alerting you to the threat of grouchy smurf lounge pants, a farting fanny bank, toilet mug, or mooning gnome.

With the click of your mouse you can covert any of these landfill items to a gift card, saving countless resources. I suppose the FedEx folks will be sad. Not to mention the gnome factory.

Better yet, they should allow you to donate your gift to a favorite charity like Homeward Bound Dog Rescue Minnesota.

Emily Post's great granddaughter says this gift return system is very impolite. I say burning through the world's resources to produce crap no one wants is even ruder.


OK, Boy#1 says he would love a farting fanny bank. And he says I drink out of the toilet all the time. Touché! Maybe a better example for him would be this page turner.

Or maybe 

Call of Duty: Road to Family Togetherness

Susan played Call of Duty: Black Ops for the first time with her boys. She will say I am a bad dog for sharing this private matter as she feels ashamed she lets her gentle-souled boys play such video games. She also knows that many mothers without modern day boys may judge her - she has seen the looks the neighbors throw over the fence watching them play with their big-ass nerf guns. She has thrown plenty of her own glares and tart words at her heavily-armed spawn as they combat crawl through her gardens.

I say a little dog park wrestling, chasing and gnawing is what keeps the pack civil.

Susan would rather they joined her playing Viva Pinata or Carcasonne. Although there is also a terrrible darkness to the totalitarian gardens of Viva Pinata and the conquering strategy of the abstract lands of Carcasonne. Heck, chess is nothing more than domination wrapped in cordiality.

Susan agreed to participate in Black Ops for a little family togetherness. It was that or go hide in her room for the rest of their tweenage/teenage years.

Honestly, I know Susan wanted to see what all the fuss is about. Was the game-play of a top-rated, first-person shooter really that much more compelling than other games, as her boys kept telling her? Would she be able to shoot people - rather than repel aliens, blow up jewels or feed pinata folk to other pinatas? Or worse, would she love it and have to eat crow?

It was a rough start. OMG, she was like a baby squirrel that fell out of its nest into a crocodile pond. And this was a friendly local multi-player foray- not a dog-eat-dog online forum. She made a pretty lame soldier  -- even for a Christmas newb (online label for folks who play for the first time after present-opening).

It doesn't help that Susan is very susceptible to motion sickness. She also has no sense of virtual direction and can't aim worth beans-- although must be said she was pretty heavily doped up on cold medication. She spent most of the time trapped in corners staring up-close at the textures of walls as she tried to navigate and find her family -- only to be constantly killed and sent away to re-spawn and start over. At least someone appreciates all the work that went into those textures.

In the end, she discovered she could hurl grenades (right bumper) and spray bullets (right trigger) to get some points -- OK, some "kills"-- and her boys were very proud of her. Things improved when someone showed her how to aim (left trigger). The family said it was great fun having Mom on the squad. And really, there is no higher compliment from tween and teen boys.

At dinner that first night, Susan admitted she now understood why they said it was a great game insofar as it was exciting and fun to play in a pack. And they grudgingly admitted that the realism of many of the locations/characters sometimes made them uncomfortable too. (The morality of video game subject matter is for another post.) But as I lay there watching for supper crumb showers to fall, I can say that for the first time, the family discussed Call of Duty intelligently and peacefully. It was a nice moment of family togetherness.

It made me want to have thumbs so I could join the squad too.

Post Christmas Musings

I love the holidays because my pack is happy and home. And I got a smokin' bone from my vegetarian Dave. He loves me.

For my non-Minnesotan readers, this year's Christmas was our snowiest ever. Weatherman Paul Douglas says:

"At least 4.6" fell at MSP International, bringing us close to 34" for December. Remarkable. Welcome to the snowiest December on record; modern-day statistics go back to 1891. Normal December snowfall? 10". Right."

And it is beautiful! Crisp blue skies today. The boys are out sledding. I am hoping for some extra walks. For now, I am removing the stuffing from my b-day present while Susan types.

If you are looking for some chuckles, invite yourself over to play with our new Xbox Kinect. Otherwise known as the Xbox KicktheCat -- ha ha ha! But honestly, what idiot animal would stroll into a zone where Dave is flailing around learning dance moves? My abs are more toned from laughing. Don't worry cat lovers, Stuart is fine. Just miffed.

For those of you just back from Pluto:

"Kinect brings games and entertainment to life in extraordinary new ways without using a controller. Imagine controlling movies and music with the wave of a hand or the sound of your voice. With Kinect, technology evaporates, letting the natural magic in all of us shine."

This is what Xbox says you will look like playing with your Kinect.
OMG, it is so much more hilarious looking than that.
Picture grownups dancing to Lady Gaga.
And we have a tiny living room full of furniture with a wood floor.
Very dangerous.
I suspect our medical deductible will be tapped out soon.
I will post real photos soon.

This was the Year of the Coaster at our house. Everyone got everyone coasters. Too funny. The furniture thanks everyone.

Susan remembers the Year of the Wine Kit back in the seventies. You could make buy a kit and make wine in your own home with some jugs, tubes and packets of yeast or some such thing. Sounds pretty nasty to me - but you have to remember Susan's folks were on a tight budget so Gallo gallons were the wine to beat. Susan and her sister knew that their mom had gotten a wine making kit for their dad. And their dad got the same winemaking kit for their mom. Much hilarity ensued at present-opening time.

I hope next year is the Year of Peanut Butter. 

Google Logo Gone to the Dogs

Daughter Number Three's post Google Logos: Squashed Bugs and Flag Conspiracies got me thinking about the logo Google will be using on International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day which is always February 23. I took a little time to work up a logo that works for me. I included not one but two of my favorite treat vessels: the Kong Classic.

Offline

Flying McCoys comic

Cruella Deville Accessory

Design Custom Phone Skins

"Upload your own dog, cat, or animal photo and create custom skins for your phone or laptop. The world's greatest protective skins."

This ad popped up on my Facebook page. It made me shudder. Only Cruella Deville would upload her own dog for such a purpose!!

Your Phone

Ballard Street by Jerry Van Amerongen

Halfalogues and the Search for Intelligent Life

You may have caught a recent article about the annoyances of halfalogues (the half-conversation of some idiot yakking on his cell phone). Cornell researchers found that when you need to concentrate, having a halfalogue intruding into your happy place was more annoying than any other kind of talking -- including monologues.

Although, I ask you: How well would you concentrate if some wacko was carrying on a monologue while you were trying to... say... multiply out a recipe... or diffuse a bomb? But apparently, a halfalogue would be much, much worse.

My Susan would also say that two-way conversations as background noise are often just as irritating when you need to concentrate. Like when she was trying to birth Boy#2 and the doctors kept talking about their cabin improvements. Or when she had to get a shot stuck into her spinal cord (while AWAKE) and the medical personnel kept up a constant blather about cars. As she tells it, their chatter made it very hard for her to get the job done.

Then again, her annoyance probably had more to do with her general loathing of medical procedures and the general feeling of powerlessness that goes along with them. I know I hate it when the groomers chat about weekend plans when they are trimming my nails!

My blogging mentor Daughter Number Three posted her reaction to the halfalogue research: Halfalogue -- More than a Annoying Neologism. I first read this as "Halfalogue -- More Annoying than Neologism" -- which is a little more global and I thought, Wow! That IS annoying! (Although I secretly rather like neologism -- once Dave explained to me what it is).

But why, you ask, are halfalogues so annoying to people? Why are they so hard to tune out? The researchers think that when people can't predict speech patterns it prevents them from ignoring halfalogues. They can tune out two-way conversations and monologues just fine because they follow familiar cadences.

Speech patterns are important to me too. In fact, I mostly listen to voice patterns and tone -- even though I know plenty of words. To conserve my energy, I have trained my people to switch to higher, ultra-excited tones if they have something really worth listening to. "MELLY! Want to go for a WALKIE?"

I admit I spend a lot of time tuning people out. Blah blah blah blah blah... People talk a LOT. (And to think I get snapped at if I need to vocalize!) But since I need to monitor human communications for key words such as CARMELLA, TREAT, WALK, GO, I can't tune them out completely. I am sort of like SETI -- ears always scanning the airwaves for sounds of intelligent life. For example, "LET'S GO TO THE DOG PARK!"

SETI telescope array

To be perfectly honest, halfalogues of people on cell phones don't interest me in the least. I can tune them out just fine. I'm not stupid. If there is a phone, computer, TV, iPod, iPad or any other electronic device in contact with my people, there is nothing in it for me. It is my cue to power down and take a nap.

Izzy's Flavor Up

Every once in awhile, technology is used to provide truly wonderful things. Izzy's Ice Cream Cafe in St. Paul has the best ice cream in the WORLD. And now, you can find out when your favorite flavor is being served by checking Flavor Up. It shows all the currently available flavors and is updated every THREE MINUTES!

Not that I am all that picky about flavors of ice cream. They all taste good right off the sidewalk. I wish they had an alert to whenever some dumb kid knocks his or her scoop to the ground. I could get there in five minutes flat, door to door.

Carmella in Washington Town

There are many pleasures of having a learning game designer in the house.

Mainly, he works at home. Which means I have an all-day, low-demand companion who gives me Moist and Meaty® treats at lunch time after he lets me out to pee.  I would prefer, of course, that Dave worked on the deck.

Who says desk work can't be deck work?

But I do get to lounge in the attic listening to the click-clack of the keyboard and the blah blah blah of phone conversations-- very restful. Then I get a walk at 5:30 and finally my raison d'etre: DINNER. It is a good weekday life for a dog (made even sweeter because the other wage earner takes me to the dog park on Wednesdays).

Another unexpected delight of living with Dave the learning game designer is that I get to... wait for it...be a virtual dog too!

That's right, Carmella is a character in an online game about Texas Independence. As previously noted, I am not a working dog in real life. But Carmella the virtual hound is a great guide dog. In this interactive story, I lead your avatar around 1836 Washington (yes, that's in Texas, Yankee friends).

Check it out! (You'll find me when you get to town).  Follow that dog!

Texas Independence: In Washington Town
more cool projects by Dave

Searching for Answers

If you fellow bloggers haven't discovered the joys of Google Analytics or similar tools, you're missing out on a great chew toy. One piece of information that you get to gnaw on is the search terms people use that causes them stumble into your territory. I often bark out loud when I see the words typed in and imagine the searchers' snorts, eye rolls or perplexed silence that must often follow when peeking into my backyard.

I am often intrigued by the search words. What is the "brown dog sorting game" - is it fun? Are "carmella chairs" comfy? Are they stylish? What is a "balance sheet of empanada?" Who on earth would want "twinkle lights that are brown?"

I marvel at the specifics of "1876 painting of woman with dog hound."  I am mystified by searches of words that never appear in my blog in any form like "bioresin" or "Charles Whitcomb." I wonder why "damages blogspot" would ever point to my place.

I think I disappoint searchers more often than not. I doubt I guide anyone in their search for "best little brown dogs for seniors" or whether they should have a "pet giant flying squirrel." And I am sure I shed no real light on "why is there an animal in fur traders descending the missouri" or "social isolation in paris during its stage of rapid growth."

Sometimes it is just fun to let them flow past and wonder about people and how they spend their time.  Here are some of my favorites:

1876 painting of woman with dog hound

balance sheet of empanada

best little brown dogs for seniors

bioresin

box spring dog breed

brown dog sorting game

carmella chairs

carmella from what not to wear

chinese squirrels

correlation cell phone

damages blogspot

degas l'absinthe who was the woman in the photo?

dog coats

dog park snowman

dog with the pearl earring

dumbest dog in the world

edgar degas l’absinthe critique

floating pontoon

giant beer keg

god paws from luther seminary

grandma's molasses/good or bad

hunters in the snow theme

l'absinthe de edgar doga

le dejeuner sur l'herbe controversy

little brown dog breeds

my little verchual dog

painting of fur trader in boat with a cat

pet "giant flying squirrel"

prokaryote in pepperjack

social isolation in paris during its stage of rapid growth.

squirrel appreciation day (those rascals)

the brown dog questions for conversation

turnover crimper

twinkle lights that are brown

what do you get if you cross a dacshund with a chihuahua

what is a pirozkhi?

when other artists correct nature by painting venus they lie

who is the real mona lisa?

why is there an animal in fur traders descending the missouri

iDog

Ballard Street by Jerry Van Amerongen

Bringing Your Work Home

“A Florida man suspected of grand theft auto was arrested by police who found him at home playing...Grand Theft Auto.

…Police also named the suspect as a person of interest a number of other crimes including toppling a gorilla down a ladder and forcing a frog to hop across a busy highway.”

Peter Sagal on NPR’s January 30, 2010 Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!

SAD Therapy Dog

My people are more than a little cranky these days. I hear it has something to do with winter, being cooped up, not getting enough sunlight...

I know I haven't been getting out much.  And now Boy #1 is sore because I ate his new Christmas football.

Well, I want to be of service. I can't pull the sun closer. So I have decided to become a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) therapy dog.

I went online and ordered some SAD desk lamps and made myself a SAD headlamp. All you have to do is spend 30-120 minutes a day with me and you will be bathed in therapeutic rays that will cheer you up.

Do I get a treat now?

Lost

Ballard Street by Jerry Van Amerongen

That's a Correlation, Silly

This morning, I stumbled on an article of interest in the Star Tribune about social media. I like social media, as I've said in my past post. I love my facebook friends, I check my pee-mail constantly and I bark over the fence any chance I get. I am a social gal. I believe that we should use all our tools to build community and keep track of each other. So I was thrilled to find article Circle of Friends which reported:

"Cell phones, texting and Facebook might actually be pulling people together, not isolating them, according to a new study."

Naturally, I sat up and took interest. There is nothing more satisfying than finding one's personal opinion is backed by scientific studies. This new study would challenge that old saw that social media is rending the fabric of society and turning us all into lonely little trolls whose days are lit only by the glow of the computer screen.

"The millions of Americans who have embraced social-networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter might not be surprised by the findings from the Pew Internet and American Life Project, showing that Web and cell phone users tend to have larger and more diverse networks of close confidantes than those who do not use the Web or cell phones."

What great news! Fun tech toys make us more socially adjusted. If we tweet and talk on cell phones, we will be more popular! We will have more friends. Better, more diverse friends. "All the evidence points in one direction," said lead author Keith Hampton of the University of Pennsylvania's Annenberg School for Communication. "People's social worlds are enhanced by new communication technologies."

Wait a minute. Is that really what they found? Let's turn that around. Didn't they also find: People with larger and more diverse networks of close confidantes tend to use the Web or cell phones.

I know this study wants to refute the idea the technology has caused the increase in social isolation. Me too. And it found:

"On average, the size of people's core networks is 12 percent larger among cell phone users, 9 percent larger for those who share photos online, and 9 percent bigger for those who use instant messaging compared with people who do not use these tools. The diversity of the groups is greater as well."

But turn it around. People who choose to use cell phones, share photos and instant message have bigger core networks. Does this surprise anyone? Social people embrace social media. Less social people, not so much.

It's like noting that dogs at dog parks are friendlier, better adjusted and enjoy bigger, more diverse doggie networks. Duh. Dogs who can't handle the dog park stay home and lick themselves. Dog parks don't make the dog social. Antisocial dogs don't last long at the dog park. And just because you own a cell phone doesn't mean you're going to have a hefty "core discussion network." You still have people who will pick up despite caller ID.

I would like to see a study that shows the use of social media actually makes people more social. And there is likely more to this study than this article reveals. I would like to think a dog can't out-think a pack of researchers. Surely they understand the difference between correlation and cause and effect.

I decided it must be the reporting, because he ended the article with this off-topic zinger:

"Ultimately, Krishna Upadhya's views on the subject might be most representative. The 55-year-old biotech researcher from Union City, Calif., said, "Certainly these tech tools help with connectivity, but at the same time they can isolate people as well." He points to his relationship with his teenage son.

"My son comes downstairs to eat dinner and then disappears, back to chatting with his friends on the Internet," he said. "Sure, I can connect with my friends overseas now with the Internet and the cell. But at the same time, I feel like the Internet has robbed me and my son of our time together." 

OMG! The guy thinks social media has caused his teenage son to choose other ways to spend his time than hangin' with dad! That's a correlation, silly.

Coming of Age in the Internet Age

A mom I know was perplexed that their family printer kept running out of red ink. She pondered what a teenage boy could possibly be printing that would draw on large quantities of red ink but very little green or yellow.  Hmm...