To Catch a Mouse

We have a mouse in our house.

I hate to break it to Susan...but I doubt mice come as singles.

This mouse is massive and slow. The floor shakes when it ambles by. Susan thought it was one of the cats when it first crossed her bedroom floor.

Seriously though, we have two residing cats in our house. We have mice. Ah, such irony! Prrrrr....

The cats have been on patrol for weeks now.

Sophie and Stuart on mouse patrol

They seem to be practicing a catch and release program. Dave said Stuart is like a cat version of Chauncey Gardiner from Being There.

Chauncey Gardiner

Stuart Mouser

OK, I understand they have no claws and have lived most of their hours indoors. But surely they could stop spitting the darn thing out every time they catch it. All that gives us is a wet mouse.

I know, I know...I am a top predator myself. And thank you, yes, I am an expert at rodent patrol. But someone would have to unlatch my crate door at night if they want to see how it is supposed to be done. All I can really do is lay there and watch the debacle, night after night.

The family has given up on the Non-Dynamic Duo. They got a real tomcat - a TOMCAT MOUSE TRAP. It has already caught one mouse. (Don't worry, it is a live trap. Dave let the hapless mouse go near the neighbors' who feed the squirrels. He figured there would be plenty of food there while the mouse made its own transition to life in the real world.)

TOMCAT MOUSE TRAP

Notice the difference between the new tomcat and our non-cats.

Tomcat

Non-Cats

Not that I would EVER want a vicious tomcat living with me. I prefer the Dopey Duo over anything with claws. Nice kitties.

Dew NOT Claws

When my Susan was a kid, back before the days of ubiquitous Internet images, she came across a black and white photo of the Guinness record holder of longest fingernails. That cringe-worthy image snagged itself in her mind as the perfect example of "just because you can, doesn't mean you should." Yet the little picture of the man with meandering nails hanging to his feet also seemed exotic and mysterious. A peek inside a dimly lit sideshow tent.

Back then, there was a sense that the man with the long nails had been discovered. Now it is clear having the longest nails is a commercial pursuit of fame. Record holders are displayed in countless full color photos, covering every angle. Let's face it, the mystery is mostly gone. But I think we all still wonder when we see oddball people. We are perplexed by people who choose to hamper their lives for a questionable sliver of record holder. Life is hard enough with trimmed claws. What possesses people to choose a disability like this? How did they start down such a path?

The new female longest fingernail record holder is also a Vegas singer.

Mostly, my claws get worn down form everyday life. I walk about 3-5 miles a day on pavement and rip around the dog park whenever I can. So it is usually just those pesky dew claws that grow too long and get in the way. As much as I hate Susan snipping at my claws, it is always a relief to get them out of the way so I can get back to running, digging, scratching and other daily dog activities.

How do people of long fingernails take care of everyday life? How do they eat, dress, go potty or drive a car? How have these nails not broken? Human fingernails are pretty fragile compared to dog claws and mine chip away all the time. Maybe there is superglue involved. But that would hardly be fair.

It is rare for dogs to have rear dew claws. But I do.

I wonder if these people started growing their claws because, like me, they loathed getting them trimmed. It is all I can do to concentrate on my peanut butter bribe when I see the claw trimmer come out. It should be noted that I have more claws than the average pup - having rare rear dew claws - so there is even more claw trimming for me to hate.

The male longest fingernail record holder
and the former female longest fingernail record holder
(who eventually lost her nails in a car crash
after growing them for 30 years).

For Susan, questions are overshadowed by the gag factor. She says curling, yellowed fingernails are just plain nasty. I am not so judgemental...I am thinking these folks could deliver a heck of a back scratch.

Yikes!

credit

A Brave New Fungus

Daughter Number Three's recent post about chicken nuggets sharing ingredients with silly putty got me thinking about processed chicken food. Or, as is more common in our house, chickenless food.

My family is quite fond of Quorn™ products. Dave and Boy#1 are vegetarian so real chicken is out for them. But the meaty texture and reasonable taste promotes Quorn™ products to the plates of the rest of the family as well.

They have a pleasing enough salty processed flavor and are usually doused in condiments or slathered in pesto -- so who's to argue? I have had to pleasure of the being under the table when someone loses control of their nuggets. I have to say, they work for me.

But what exactly IS Quorn™? The Quorn™ website says:

"Mycoprotein is the ingredient common to all Quorn™ products. It’s a meat-free form of high quality protein. Mycoprotein is made by adding oxygen, nitrogen, glucose and minerals to a fungus called Fusarium venenatum."

Uhh...OK...but what is Quorn™?

"Fusarium venenatum, the principal ingredient of Mycoprotien is an ascomycota, one of the largest groups within the fungi family, which also includes truffles and morels. It is one of a genus of filamentous fungi, meaning it is comprised of a web of finely spun strands (hyphae)."

Uhh...OK...so Quorn™ is a fungus... that grows in the woods? And is harvested by quaint farmers and their trusty pigs.

Think again. Mycoprotein is grown in vats. It is the stuff of Brave New World.

Quorn™ helpfully explains the whole "product process":

"Mycoprotein is made in 40 metre high fermenters which run continuously for five weeks at a time.The fermenter is sterilised and filled with a water and glucose solution. Then a batch of fusarium venenatum, the fungi at the heart of Mycoprotein, is introduced.

Once the organism has started to grow a continuous feed of nutrients, including potassium, magnesium and phosphate as well as trace elements, are added to the solution. The pH balance, temperature, nutrient concentration and oxygen are all constantly adjusted in order to achieve the optimum growth rate.

The organism and nutrients combine to form Mycoprotein solids and these are removed continuously from the fermenter after an average residence time of five to six hours. Once removed the Mycoprotein is heated to 65°C to breakdown the nucleic acid. Water is then removed in centrifuges, leaving the Mycoprotein looking rather like pastry dough.

The Mycoprotein is then mixed with a little free range egg and seasoning to help bind the mix. It is then steam cooked for about 30 minutes and then chilled, before being chopped into pieces or mince.

The product is then frozen. This is a crucial step in the process because the ice crystals help to push the fibres together, creating bundles that give Mycoprotein its meat-like texture.

The pieces and mince are then sold under the Quorn™ brand and also in wide array of products ranging from escalopes to ready meals, deli slices to sausages."

Need a visual?

Crystal clear?

Some folks say they get sick from Mycoprotein -- that we are being tricked by corporations into eating mold. There is a call for Quorn™ to be banned. People object to food grown in vats. I admit even I can't get excited about of acres of meat protein being grown as in M.T. Anderson's Feed. But lab=bad/homegrown=good is pretty simplistic.

And the whole fear and loathing of "processed foods" is pretty silly when you consider all the things people consume that have been lovingly processed for centuries. How about beer, wine, and cheese? Think about tofu. Or stinky tofu.  People eat lutefisk, chicha, and century eggs. Check out these ten disgusting delicacies. They make fungus seem pretty palatable.

I really do wish that scientists could come up with new, good answers to food sources.  Ones that never ever involve eating dogs (I hear some folks do!) and ruining all the good dog park land. 

I am not going to go all Monsanto on you -- but wouldn't it be great if there were safe, affordable, healthy, tasty meat substitutes that actually tempted folks to back off on the flesh-eater thing? I will always be a carnivore at heart but even I could supplement if it helped the global balance.

So, ever wonder why is Quorn™ called Quorn™? My family has debated this many a time and comes up with nothing worth noting. (Wouldn't you love to come to dinner at our house!) It sounds more like a faux corn product than anything.

Actually, it is the name of a village in England (now called Quorndon) which formed part of the original manufacturer's trade name. What a mundane answer for a strange food. You don't need a diagram for that!

Cats are Dumb as a Box of Hair, Reason #347

Cats are Dumb as a Box of Hair, Reason #343

Better Containers So You Can Behave Badly

I am not really a big fan of containers. Not as silly as silverware, soap or doors -- but generally unneeded from the canine point of view. And let's just admit it, people, containers are largely ineffective when confronted by razor sharp problem solving skills combined with jaws of steel... Did they really think I couldn't open that dog food canister?

But a few weeks ago, I couldn't help noticing a news thread of articles about people's search for better containers. People seem to be searching for a lot of things. But I couldn't help wonder about the folks in charge of thinking up these beauties. How does the dinner conversation go after a good day's work?  "What did you do today, honey?"

And really, who wouldn't want a better ketchup packet? Although, if you have never snatched up a fallen ketchup packet, pierced it quickly with your canines and felt the salty goodness squirt like a plump mole -- you just haven't lived. But I digress... 

What intrigues me is that the main plus of these better packets is that these little containers allow you to dip and drive. "The driver wanted something that could sit on the armrest." Wow. So much for ten and two o-clock hands on the ol' wheel!

This got me thinking about another container that has been improved so behavior can remain shoddy.

Apparently so many Brits bean each other on the head with their beer glasses they even have a name for it: glassing. These bio-resin coated glasses promise to downgrade the 87,000 annual glassing incidents to simple bludgeoning and no longer produce shards with which Brits can lacerate their mates' faces.

And for all those unlucky blokes who do get glassed and end up in the hospital, better personal packaging awaits as well.  Lucky Brits!

Palin's Dog Prepares a Speech

Plus-Sized Beer Keg

Another gem from that plus-sized catalog.

I am not sure which is sadder. The plus-sized man dressed as a giant beer keg. Or that the costume needs the label "BEER KEG" to make itself clear.

He does look an awful lot like the tin man.

Woman Within

I couldn't help overhearing my Susan ranting about receiving in the mail this catalog for plus-sized clothes. She was hollering pretty loud.

"What a stupid name! Woman Within! Somewhere under all that so-called plus-ness there is a woman within. And in the meantime, we have really ugly wrappers for your Woman Without. What is WRONG with their marketing people? I would NEVER buy clothes from such a stupid-named place."

I think she was also sore because someone sold her info as an identified Tall Woman. Now she receives piles of catalogs full of stretch clothes which are utterly useless to her. Not that she's a petite gal, but because nothing plus-sized would ever fit her because she is very TALL and plus-sized does not mean tall. (If she was a dog, she'd make a great Great Dane.)

Susan's hollering didn't end there as she launched into her sub-rant about the fabrics of plus-sized clothes "Cripes! If a gal already feels as big as a couch-- why on earth would she upholster herself in that hideous fabric! What's the matter with people? No one looks good in florals the size of cabbages. Not even furniture!"

And speaking of furniture. there is a whole section of the catalog called Plus Sized Living with products of all kinds for the larger populace. Please don't tell Susan. My ears hurt.

Big John Toilet Seat™
Ergonomic design and roomier contoured sitting surface offers 75% more area than a regular toilet seat. Made from ABS plastic with stainless steel hinges. Slip-resistant. 19" wide from side to side. 1200-lb. capacity. Made in USA. White or Cream. $124.99


Obviously, the designers did not consider how hard this seat makes it for a dog to get a drink!

Pedi Pistol™ Pedicure Tool Now you can have a perfect home pedicure without bending thanks to this motorized tool. With 10 precision crafted heads to remove callouses, trim nails, treat cuticles, shape, file, smooth and polish nails. 10¾"Lx6¼"H.

Look at the ergonomics of this contraption. Can you imagine controlling that thing from that distance? Eeek. It makes my claws want to retract!

Jumbo Universal Remote Control

Puts everything at your fingertips and controls up to 10 audio and video components. Alarm clock, calculator and dual programming modes. Large glowing buttons, tilting back-lit LCD display. 11"Lx5"W. 2 "AA" batteries (not included).

Do I have to point out that a jumbo remote is not in any plus-sized person's long term health plan? And is it jumbo simply to accommodate larger fingers? Or is it so that you feel like a smaller person while holding it?

Double Curved Shower Rod

Extra-wide shower rods let you shower in spacious comfort.

This one doesn't even make sense. How does double curtain rod gain you more spacious comfort? The interior curtain still has to be in the same place. Really, all it would do is make your bathroom more crowded.


(Hey, did I mention that this morning I had to take a B-A-T-H! I know, I know! And I've been being such a good girl. She said I smelled like poo. I'm like: What's your point? Sooo uncool, Susan.)

King Kong Chair
Sturdy and strong, the King Kong chair holds up 800 lbs. and offers maximum comfort, too with an extra-wide 38'' seat, high backrest, and side pocket cooler. Powder-coated steel frame and cushioned polyester khaki canvas compact design folds quickly and fits in an easy-carry 7''x41'' bag. 38''Wx20''Dx38''H. $99.99

I have no issues with the chair. But the name is breathtakingly cruel. I guess they mean it is strong like King Kong. But it easily slips into my mind as a chair for King Kong. Either way, it isn't flattering.

I know our society has a no-holds-barred approach to demeaning overweight people. But wouldn't you think marketing people would be nice to them?

Dumb as Squirrels

Some kids are as dumb as squirrels. A mother noticed a subtle but steady depletion of lunchbox treats from the cupboard.  Neither of her three children would confess. Tracker senses led her to the crack between her eldest's bed and the wall revealing mounds of wrappers from months of pilfering.  "I can't decide which is worse," she said "...that he lied, that he's that lazy, or that he is that dumb...or that he thinks I am that dumb."

Another Poor Choice for Dog Park Attire

Austrian photographer Helge Kirchberger 

and chef Roland Trettl created this aromatic salmon outfit.  

And it's organic!

What Not To Wear To the Dog Park

Dumbest Dog in the World

I hate to give the cats fodder but...

Dumbest Dog in the World!!

Ten and Two O'Clock

I spend a lot of time looking out the back hatch window of our Outback wagon. I think it is well understood that something happens when people get in their cars.  Even though they are surrounded by windows, they think they are alone.  People!  Your glass is two-way.  We can seeee you!

Today, on the freeway ramp entering 94, I'm standing there, peering into some guy's private little world.  He is clapping.  He is driving.  But he is clapping.  Not like: yea, I like that. Woo hoo. But clapping out an intricate rhythm.  Over and over.  He is also wearing headphones the size of Big Macs.  So I'm thinking, this guy is totally grooving.

Did I mention he is now merging into 60 mph traffic?